it's interesting. the overwhelming sense of everything at once, the flood of emotions at each "whatever", at every sigh, scoff, or a glance away. I cannot say anything until everything is over. I cannot name three examples. I cannot provide an explanation. I cannot control my emotions. I cannot make decisions for myself. I cannot do things the way i wish.
I must always tiptoe because I stomp too loud. I must always know why I do things because only I know what is in my head. I must be maintain eye contact because I am rude. I must not sigh, I must not roll my eyes, I must not be excited, I must not be sad, and God forbid I be angry at any point.
because how could I be angry? You have provided me everything i have. I worked for nothing. I have earned nothing. Yet you still give me everything under the sun. You will buy me anything, but apparently the words "I am proud of you" don't come naturally. But truely, what is there really to be proud of?
you know nothing about me, and you always complain, you shout at me for not speaking, but when I do, you don't listen. You scoff. You say "that's cool" and turn your head with your nose up in the air. You say it's bad timing, but there never seems to be a good time for anything with you. I attempt to make plans with you, yet you fall through. Every single time. I am going ice skating by myself tomorrow.
you told me i didn't have to ask, that I was an adult and I could do whatever I wanted. You said to find someone to go with, but I think I will go on my own. School is on and it's a monday. I'm sure it'll be relatively quiet.
I invited you to go to a night session, or even to go on a weekend. You said you were too tired. You said you are too busy. Yet the only time you have free, you spend it without me. But I do love you.
I wish you put in the effort to make time for me. I know I may not be good enough for you, but I wish that for once, you would pretend I was.
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i do hate that i care so much, but it isn't enough. i care about my belongings, but never care enough to keep my room tidy. i care about my health, but i don't care enough to look before crossing the road. i care about my friends, but not enough to keep them with me. it's like there's this balance scale, and there is SO much care/don't care on either side, it's just that the "don't care" side wins almost every time. i don't know how to swing it the other way. i can't even see my floor and all i care about is when i get to sleep next
i love being in love and i love loving so deeply. i'm in love with so much. i am in love with the way my friends say my name, i am in love with how good their hugs are, i am in love with the way tiny creatures go about their day, i am in love with my favourite lip balm, i am in love with flowers and my soft bed and i am in love with myself. :) i love loving
the thing i find funny is that i am hyper aware of people's behaviours and tactics and intentions. not even being paranoid i just have great pattern recognition and i read people. some are harder than others. but i always figure out their worst habits. and most times it's fucking awful, i am fully aware of the patterns and signs and the fact that people do not care, yet i still wish i was different to everyone they have met, that i'm more important and that i am special.
as if they wouldn't treat anyone else the same.
i am fully aware i will be nothing more than a source of attention and a body to look at. which is fine i guess, i just wish people wouldn't make it out as if it would ever mean something more.
and yet, i still find myself needing to please them in every way i can, even if i hate every single second of it. every word, every action every thought. i hate how people consume me. they become all i know and all i need and yet i will not mean a single thing. which again. is fine. but yet again, i wish it wasn't made out to be like there was ever a chance that something could happen. that there was a chance somebody could fall so deeply in love with me how i fall in love.
it's happy new year, not happy new years i will die on that hill
having bpd is so funny bc one moment everything is Good and Fine and then the next everything is Awful and Horrible because of one slight inconvenience and suddenly everyone hates you and you forgot to drink water again and you left the clothes in the wash and you left you untouched food on the benchtop and your drink that someone else always cleans up for you on the dining table and you left things go unsaid again. but it's okay because 9:30pm will roll around and you will have quiet in your room with no responsibilities to uphold. then you get to rot in bed without much guilt. its pretty fun !!
it is happening again, the silly silly cycle :3. it usually happens quite a lot. but it's okay, i am used to it. time will pass and things will move along whether i like it or not.
i'd love to move to a different country. one that is colder. to move to something brand new and leave everything behind. but i'm so afraid that here is everything i am. that the people i surround myself is all i am. without here, without my family, without friends, i am simply just. lost i think. i always get too attached to things and it's usually hard for me to move on from anything. i always find myself begging for nothing to mean the smallest of somethings. i could take the emptiest words and turn them into a garden filled with love, and i think that is my main problem, i ask for too much. i expect too much of people.
maybe that is apart of the reason i want to move. nobody would know me, therefore i wouldn't have expectations of people who will never meet them. if i start over, it could be different. i barely talk to my friends anyway.
GOD i need to go ice skating so badly. i love the way i feel like im gliding, i think it's the closest i will get to flying as a land creature (without jumping out of a plane or off a building). rollerblading is lovely, but it's not as smooth. i go rollerblading a lot with my dog and see the sunset. i'd like to take you ice skating, i could teach you. i think that would be fun. there's like a wall you can hold yourself up on around the rink so you don't fall but even if you did slip it would be fine bc i would skate next to u so i can catch you.
anyways, the only think i don't like about ice skating is that 1. there are no natural ice rinks around me (obviously), and 2. i don't have my own pair, and the rental place always smells like feet :(. i would love to own my own skates, and god how i'd love to move to a cold place so i could ice skate whenever the nearby lake is frozen over enough. i don't like the heat, it makes me feel warm and i hate feeling warm because of the sun. i like the cold and i LOVE the snow.
on a school trip i went to jindi and fuck it was so fun. mostly anyway. but i snowboarded and it was the best thing ever (asides from ice skating)
MY POINT IS i love the snow and ice and the cold and i love lying in the snow but sometimes it is too bright.
i think that flying would feel the same as getting to the top of a rollercoaster knowing there's a huge dip. the stomah drop and the adrenaline and everything. god i wish i was a bird that would be so cool. falcon just fucking airpunch the shit out of their other bird prey. knocks them out and catches em in the air while they r falling. teh fact they can recover so quickly from slamming into another thing at 320km/h is insane. they like. instantly just get their shit together. wish i was built like that my god. How good would it feel to just be above the clouds. and dive and to swerve and to make really fucking awesome sounds.
fucking love birds they r so great.
i used to believe in soulmates, and i guess i still do, but calling it soulmates is wrong. it's not something that just, IS. it's developed. it's not inherently romantic. a lot of people believe that soulmates are just your destiny, but i don't think that is right. i think my tailbone is bruised from sitting on an ucomfortable chair for the majority of the day for the past three weeks. anyway.
it's not a very, precise and clear definition, it's more just, you know. you know. you look at that person, you see their smile and hear their laugh and listen to them talk about their day and you find pure joy in just their company. you just know. sometimes it's instant, sometimes it's a friend you've known for a long time, sometimes it's even someone you hated. i would describe it as a tug, and a tie. of course, people can have an infinite amount of ties, i think that's what humanity is all about.
to connect and to love and to lie and to laugh and to create and to cry and to cherish. i can't remember where my original thought was going. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i do believe in souls, i believe that each person we meet we exchange a little bit of eachother. in the way we talk, in the way we hold ourselves, in our hobbies, in our methods, in every single way. i am a product of all the people i have loved and hated. everybody is. we grow and feed off of eachother, we are creatures of love, we are not born with hate in our hearts.
am i an awful person for wanting nothing to do with her after so little time? it's only been a month, yet if i read her letters again, i wouldn't cry. i would just. shred them, probably. and i wouldn't feel guilty. am i horrible for acting like she doesn't exist? like she didn't change me and my perception of love? am i bad for walking away first, even though she ended it?
am i cruel for ghosting after she said she still wanted me in her life, just not the way i had planned? am i awful for leaving when she still wanted me there? not allowing her to have the final say? am i awful for hating her, and not having a single bit of love left to give her?
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